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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:02:08 GMT -8
Sweet Daddy Dee: Is there one other brother in the house tonight?
[sees a black man]
Sweet Daddy Dee: Oh! Yo, dawg; RUN!
[audience laughs]
Sweet Daddy Dee: And if there are any Mexican brothers in the audience tonight, I got one thing to say to ya'll. Learn fucking English!
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:02:30 GMT -8
Walter: How long've you been married?
Jeff Dunham: Fifteen years.
Walter: You'll see.
Jeff Dunham: See what?
Walter: Remember when you said, "'Til death do us part"?
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Walter: Later you'll realize you were actually setting a goal.
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:02:55 GMT -8
Walter: Dumbass.
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:06:55 GMT -8
Jeff Dunham: What are you doing?
Peanut: [exaggerated Japanese accent] Oh, speaking Japanese!
Jeff Dunham: You don't know Japanese.
Peanut: Yeah, I do; Toyota.
[audience laughs]
Peanut: Oh, Godzilla!
Jeff Dunham: That's not right.
Peanut: Oh, you're right; it'd be...
[opens mouth and nothing comes out until after it closes]
Peanut: Godzilla!
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:07:34 GMT -8
Jeff Dunham: What's your favorite beer?
Bubba J.: An open one.
Jeff Dunham: How do you know when you drink too much?
Bubba J.: I run out.
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:08:14 GMT -8
Peanut: Look, I know I didn't finish school but that frickin' says 'Sa ntah ah nah!'
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:08:38 GMT -8
Jeff Dunham: Do you have a drinking problem?
Bubba J.: Nah, I have it pretty much figured out.
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:17:31 GMT -8
Walter: Shut the hell up!
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:18:30 GMT -8
Jeff Dunham: [Dunham is trying to convince Peanut what a great city Santa Ana is] There's a lot of history in this city...
Peanut: Translated:
[as Peanut moves an arm as if to point at imaginary words]
Peanut: Old as SHIT!
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:18:47 GMT -8
Peanut: Right in the middle of the show, I go "hey, stop sign, turn around, thank you, doing doing, horse shoe, turtle, digadigadiga."
[laughter]
Peanut: Of course, this poor bastard's just signing away!
[laughter]
Peanut: Then, just to really screw with him, I went
[all in mime, Peanut moves his mouth as if talking, pretends to laugh, and moves his mouth some more]
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:19:21 GMT -8
Jeff Dunham: The drive from the valley?
Peanut: Was bad as hell!
Jeff Dunham: Traffic?
Peanut: Sucked like hell!
Jeff Dunham: Drivers?
Peanut: Angry as hell!
Jeff Dunham: And you?
Peanut: Were scared as hell!
Jeff Dunham: Parking?
Peanut: Sucked more like hell!
Jeff Dunham: So?
Peanut: We're in hell!
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:19:53 GMT -8
Jeff Dunham: You know, you don't have to do this.
Walter: Yeah, I could get a real job.
Jeff Dunham: [chuckles] What would you do.
Walter: I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart.
[audience laughs]
Walter: What the hell's so funny?
Jeff Dunham: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?
Walter: Oh.
[clears throat]
Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your shit and get out!
[audience laughs]
Walter: Have a nice day.
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:20:23 GMT -8
Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee's good for your sex life.
Jeff Dunham: Coffee?
Walter: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: Is it?
Walter: No. It kept me awake through the whole damn thing! I actually had to participate. Doctor said it's bad for my heart, too.
Jeff Dunham: All the caffeine?
Walter: No, seeing my wife naked.
Jeff Dunham: That's awful.
Walter: Oh, you've seen her, too?
Jeff Dunham: So, is coffee good for the sex life or not?
Walter: I don't know. But, they're never gonna let us back into that Starbucks again.
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:20:57 GMT -8
Jeff Dunham: Dear Walter, can you recommend a good proctologist?
[Walter nudges towards Jeff]
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:23:05 GMT -8
Jeff Dunham: Dear Walter, time and time again, I have filled out this sheet six times. You never answer my question. What gives?
Walter: Let's skip that one.
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:23:53 GMT -8
Walter: [talking about being married] You can't look at other women, now. You can't talk to 'em. You can't do nothing.
Jeff Dunham: What're talking about?
Walter: I'll show you what I'm talking about. Do you see this lovely young lady sitting right here in the front row? Do you see her? Do you see her?
Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
Walter: Oh well!
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:24:22 GMT -8
Walter: I used to chase skirts all over the world, until I got to Scotland, and, Boy, was I surprised!
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:24:54 GMT -8
Walter: [answering questions submitted by the audience] "Why do I gag on my tootbrush but not when I'm performing oral sex on my boyfriend?" Well, obviously, the toothbrush is bigger.
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:25:15 GMT -8
Bubba J.: AA is for quitters.
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:25:53 GMT -8
José Jalapeño: Do not drop me, Señor.
Jeff Dunham: I won't drop you, José.
José Jalapeño: I will then be José Jalapeño On The Floor.
Peanut: Do a little tap dance and we got salsa!
Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!
Peanut: Not with the right kind of chips it's not.
Jeff Dunham: Stop it! I'm sorry, José.
José Jalapeño: It's okay.
Jeff Dunham: Okay.
José Jalapeño: I kick his ass later.
Peanut: I'll turn your ass into guacamole!
Jeff Dunham: Stop it.
Peanut: I'll stir you with your own stick!
Jeff Dunham: Stop it.
Peanut: [makes a stirring motion with his arm] This is the way we stir the guac! Stir the guac! Stir the guac! OLÉ!
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:26:23 GMT -8
Jeff Dunham: And you're happy to be here?
Peanut: What?
Jeff Dunham: You're happy to be here?
Peanut: Oh yes I am!
[lays head on Jeff's shoulder; Jeff pushes him away]
Peanut: Just last week I was lying in bed and I woke up sobbing 'I will never be happy until we return to SA-NA-TA-ANA!' And now we're here! Thank you for bringing me!
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:29:12 GMT -8
Jeff Dunham: Are you married?
Bubba J.: Yep.
Jeff Dunham: Your wife pretty?
Bubba J.: Ye... no!
Jeff Dunham: What's the difference?
Bubba J.: The light.
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:32:58 GMT -8
Jeff Dunham: So did you date for a while?
Bubba J.: Yup.
Jeff Dunham: You propose?
Bubba J.: No, her daddy did that.
Jeff Dunham: How did that happen?
Bubba J.: I went over to her house one night, was supposed to pick her up at seven, showed up at seven thirty. Her daddy was out on the porch with his shotgun, he said, "Hey, Bubba J! Guess who else is late?"
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:33:30 GMT -8
Jeff Dunham: Walter, what exactly is marriage to you?
Walter: It's like drinking a slurpy.
Jeff Dunham: A slurpy.
Walter: First couple of sips, it's like "Boy this is really good! I'm glad I did this!" Then you keep drinking, it goes right to your head, and you go "Ow, Ow, Ooooow! What the hell was I thinking? Someone kill me please!"
Jeff Dunham: It eventually stops hurting.
Walter: Yeah, and then you're stupid enough to take another freakin' sip!
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:34:07 GMT -8
Jeff Dunham: So, José, what makes you happiest in life?
José Jalapeño: My BMW.
Jeff Dunham: You have a BMW?
Peanut: Yeah, a Big Mexican Woman.
José Jalapeño: On a stick!
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:35:03 GMT -8
Peanut: You know what else pissed me off today?
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: Trying to use my cell phone.
Jeff Dunham: Having some trouble?
Peanut: Just like the stinking commercials. "Can you hear me now? How about now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Now?" You know what you *don't* hear in those commercials?
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: The other end of the conversation!
[laughter]
Peanut: [Peanut gives a few stammers, then pantomimes the phone cutting off]
Peanut: "What a piece of shit!"
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:36:35 GMT -8
Peanut: I hate the traffic reports; they're a waste of time.
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Peanut: Let me do the traffic reports. I'll save everyone a lot of time and money.
Jeff Dunham: All right.
Peanut: "Hey Peanut, it's eight o'clock in the morning. There's a lot of traffic out there. What's going on?"
[Peanut holds his hand up to his mouth]
Peanut: "It's eight o'clock in the morning!"
[laughter]
Peanut: "Everyone left their house at the same damn time!"
[laughter]
Peanut: "Back to you! Call me back at five thirty; I'll tell you the same thing. Only guess what? They're going the other way!"
[laughter]
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:37:09 GMT -8
[about performing in Washington, D.C]
Peanut: About five minutes into the show I happen to look down, about where you're sitting, dude, there was a guy sitting right there where you are, but he was facing *that* way!
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Peanut: And every time I spoke, he would do this:
[Peanut makes various movements with his hands]
Peanut: And I'd go "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the guy goes
[makes the hand gestures again]
Peanut: It was a signer!
Jeff Dunham: Right.
Peanut: A *signer*! Think about this for a second: they brought a bunch of deaf people to see
[gesturing to Jeff]
Peanut: the ventriloquist!
[laughter]
Peanut: What? What do you do next, take a bunch of blind folks to see David Copperfield?
[laughter]
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:38:26 GMT -8
Peanut: It's hard to talk to somebody if you're not looking right at them.
Jeff Dunham: I know.
Peanut: That's like trying to talk to somebody who has a lazy eye; you don't know which eye to focus on. You ever done that? You're sitting talking to them, thinking "aw, crap. Should I be looking at *that* eye or *that* eye?"
[Peanut holds his hand to his mouth in consideration]
Peanut: "FOCUS, YOU MORON!"
[laughter, as Peanut does the "over the head" movement with his hand]
Peanut: [off Jeff's look] What?
Jeff Dunham: What if someone here has a lazy eye?
Peanut: I'll confuse them.
[moving around on his stand]
Peanut: Here I am. No, I'm here. Here. Here. Here.
[laughter, as Jeff covers his face in embarrassment]
Jeff Dunham: I'm sorry.
Peanut: You know what pesto is?
Jeff Dunham: Pesto. It's the stuff that goes on salad and pizza...
Peanut: No. Pesto.
Jeff Dunham: What?
Peanut: It's a magician with a harelip.
[laughter]
Peanut: [lisping] Pethto!
[laughter]
Peanut: Da da da! Pethto!
Jeff Dunham: What if someone here has a harelip?
Peanut: [to audience] Thorry!
Jeff Dunham: Oh, stop it!
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Post by Michael Jackson's Wife on Nov 15, 2009 17:40:32 GMT -8
[after Peanut's story of screwing with a signer for deaf people to confuse him]
Jeff Dunham: The sad part is, this is all completely true.
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